OLD WOMAN IN A SHOE
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe.
She was a kindhearted mom
Who knew exactly what to do.
She raised all her children
With patience and love.
Never once did she give them
A spank, shake or shove.
Her children all learned
To be gentle toward others,
And good parents too
When they became fathers and mothers.
From their days in the shoe
They learned this about living:
Kindness, not force,
Is the gift that keeps giving.
According to the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve, there are at least six things Priesthood leaders (particularly Bishops) should do to respond to evidence or reports of abuse:
- Stop the Abuse
- Understand the Doctrine
- Recognize Abuse
- Call the Church's Help Line
- Formulate a Plan of Action
- Respond to the Legal Issues & Church Discipline
Church Handbook of Instructions, page 157: "
The Church's position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. Such members are subject to Church discipline. They should not be given Church callings and may not hold a temple recommend."
Even after church discipline and reinstatement, an individual will not be called to any position working with children or youth unless the First Presidency authorizes it.
The first responsibility of the Church is to help those who have been abused and to protect those who may be vulnerable to future abuse.
What is Child Abuse?
This is an example of physical child abuse.
Teresa had just changed 18-month-old Dale's dirty diaper when he had another messy diaper; this made Teresa angry. She thought that putting him in hot water would punish him for the dirty diaper. When she put him in the tub, he cried loudly. Teresa slapped him to stop the crying and didn't notice the scald marks until after the bath was over.
Examples of physical child abuse
- Shaking or shoving
- Slapping or hitting
- Beating with a belt, shoe, or other object
- Burning a child with matches or cigarettes
- Scalding a child with water that is too hot
- Pulling a child's hair out
- Breaking a child's arm, leg, or other bones
- Not letting a child eat, drink, or use the bathroom
What is Sexual Child Abuse?
This is an example of sexual child abuse.
Nine-year-old Susan's mother works at night. Her stepfather James is around when she goes to bed, so many evenings James lies down beside Susan. As she goes to sleep, he rubs her breasts and genital area.
Examples of sexual child abuse
- Fondling a child's genitals
- Having intercourse with a child
- Having oral sex with a child
- Having sex in front of a child
- Having a child touch an older person's genitals
- Using a child in pornography
- Showing X-rated books or movies to a child
Who are the perpetrators?
- Based on data from 43 states, about 77% of perpetrators were parents.
- An additional 11% were other relatives of the child victim.
- In only 2% of all confirmed cases of maltreatment were the perpetrators other caretakers such as foster parents, child care providers, and staff at other caretaking facilities.
- About 10% of all perpetrators were classified as noncaretakers, (including strangers, other household members not responsible for the care or supervision of the child, friends, neighbors and others), or "unknown."
At the extreme end of the spectrum, sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse and/or its deviations. These behaviors may be the final acts in a worsening pattern of sexual abuse. For that reason and because of their devastating effects, exhibitionism, fondling and any other sexual contact with children are also considered sexually abusive.
Generally, nontouching sexual offenses include:
- Indecent exposure/exhibitionism.
- Exposing children to pornographic material.
- Deliberately exposing a child to the act of sexual intercourse.
- Masturbation in front of a child.
Touching sexual offenses include:
- Fondling.
- Making a child touch an adult's sexual organs.
- Any penetration of a child's vagina or anus-no matter how slight-by a penis or any object that doesn't have a valid medical purpose.
Sexual exploitation of a child is also an offense and can include:
- Engaging a child or soliciting a child for the purposes of prostitution.
- Using a child to film, photograph, or model pornography.
These definitions are broad and general. In most states, the legal definition for the molestation of a child is an act of a person-adult or child-which forces, coerces, or threatens a child to have any form of sexual contact or to engage in any type of sexual activity at the perpetrator's direction.
What Should I Look For If I Suspect a Child is Being Sexually Abused ?
- Child sexual abuse cases can be very difficult to prove largely because cases where definitive, objective evidence exists are the exception rather than the rule. The first indicators of sexual abuse may not be physical signs, but behavioral changes or abnormalities. Unfortunately, because it is usually so difficult to accept that sexual abuse may be occurring, the adult may misinterpret the signals and feel that the child is merely being disobedient or insolent. The reaction to the disclosure of abuse then becomes disbelief and rejection of the child's statements.
- Sexual abuse is usually discovered in one of two ways: by direct disclosure (i.e., statements from the victim, victim's family member, or parent seeking help) or by nondirect methods (i.e., someone witnesses the abuse to the child, the child contracts a sexually transmitted disease, or the child becomes pregnant).
Douglas Besharov in his book, Recognizing Child Abuse, writes that it is the job of the investigating child protective agency to make the determination as to whether or not sexual abuse has occurred. He writes, "As a general rule, all doubts should be resolved in favor of making a report (of sexual abuse). A child who describes being sexually abused should be reported unless there is clear reason to disbelieve the statement."
According to NCANDS statistics, only 4% of unsubstantiated reports of all forms of child abuse and neglect are intentionally false. Additional studies particular to false reports of child sexual abuse have found between 2 and 8% of reports to be deliberately false (May Quinn, 1991).
Parents can help protect children against sexual abuse. They can teach their children about what appropriate sexual behavior is and when to say "no" if someone tries to touch sexual parts of their bodies or in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Parents can also observe their children when they interact with others to see if they are hesitant or particularly uncomfortable around a certain adult. Most importantly, children need to know that they can speak openly to a trusted adult and that they will be believed. Children who are victims of sexual abuse should always be reassured that they are not responsible for what has happened to them and they should not feel ashamed.
What Should I Do If I Suspect a Child Is Being Hurt?
For a Priesthood holder, immediately notify your Bishop. For a Bishop, immediately notify the Stake President and/or call the Church's help line. This number (1-800-453-3860 X21911) has been established for the use of Bishops and Stake Presidents in navigating the many moral, legal, and ethical issues surrounding abuse.
In General Who Must Report Abuse?
In every state, the following people are required by law to report suspected abuse:
- doctors
- nurses
- dentists
- mental health professionals
- social workers
- teachers
- day care workers
- law enforcement personnel
- In some states, clergy, foster parents, attorneys, and camp counselors also are required to report abuse. (as you can see there is a great deal of concern on this issue, therefore to do nothing is the absolute wrong answer!)
- In about 20 states, any person who suspects abuse is required to report it.
When you make a report, the agency will make a judgment about how serious the situation is. If necessary, a child protection worker will visit the family to see whether abuse or neglect has occurred and to determine what needs to be done. The goals of child protection are to
- stop the abuse
- give needed services to the family
- help the family become safe and loving
- Despite the debate over false memories of child sexual abuse, the actual reported incidence of such abuse in this country is enormous
- Child psychiatrist Frank Putnam, MD, who summarized research findings in child sexual abuse found that such cases have increased 300 percent in the last 15 years, to about 150,000 incidents per year.
- Girls are four times more likely than boys to be sexually abused
- Young children who are sexually abused experience more stomachaches, headaches, bedwetting, inappropriate sexual behavior, anxiety, withdrawal and developmental delays.
- Sexually abused teenagers are more likely to be delinquent, sexually active and suicidal.
- Children, who are sexually penetrated, sexually abused at an earlier age or by a father or father figure fare worse emotionally and behaviorally than others.
- Studies show that women batter children in about 60 percent of cases.
- Parents who physically abuse their kids are most likely to be teenage, single, undereducated and poor, and often were abused as children.
- They also tend to abuse alcohol and drugs, have fewer community ties and more difficulty coping with stress.
- Step-parents are more likely to physically abuse their children than biological parents.
- Men are perpetrators in about 90 percent of sex-abuse cases that wind up in social-service agencies.
Statistics:
Child protective service agencies determined that almost 1,000,000 children were identified as victims of substantiated or indicated abuse or neglect in 1996 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children's Bureau, 1998).
- 52% involved Neglect
- 24% involved Physical Abuse
- 12% involved Sexual Abuse
- 6% involved Emotional Abuse
- 3% involved Medical Neglect
- 14% involved Other types of maltreatment
- An estimated 1,077 child maltreatment fatalities occurred in the 50 states and the District of Columbia (Ibid).
- According to the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse's annual survey, state child protective agencies received an estimated 3,195,000 reports of children allegedly being maltreated (Wang & Daro, 1998).
- A survey of adolescent boys' health revealed that one in eight (13%) high school boys had been physically or sexually abused or both. Two-thirds (66%) of boys who reported physical abuse said it occurred at home, and 68% reported that the abuser was a family member. Of sexually abused boys, one-third (35%) said the abuse happened at home and less than half (45%) said the abuser was a family member. Forty-eight percent of physically or sexually abused boys said they had not talked to anyone about their abuse and only 7% had discussed their abuse with a doctor (Schoen & Davis, et al, 1998).
- One in five (20%) of the high school girls surveyed reported that she had been physically or sexually abused. The majority of the abuse occurred at home (53%) and more than once (65%). Twenty-nine percent of girls who had been physically or sexually abused have not told anyone about the abuse. Forty-six percent of abused girls had depressive symptoms, more than twice the rate of girls who said they had not been abused (18%). Abused girls are also at double the risk for signs of eating disorders (The Commonwealth Fund, 1997).
1997 Child Abuse Figures:
- 1 million victims of substantiated or indicated child abuse & neglect. CPS agencies investigated 2 million cases involving 3 million children
- National rate of victimization was 13.9 victims per thousand children in the population.
- In 1997 41 states reported that 967 children were known by CPS to have died as a result of child abuse and neglect
Florida is #4 behind California, Texas, New York in the number of children in the state with 3,471,316 (1997)
One other category of punishment that most researchers and social scientists consider to be abusive is the spanking of children.
Corporal punishment in the form of spanking (even in infancy) is the most common way children are punished in America. Slapping, hitting and beating with the hand or straps and other instruments closely follow. NBC News has reported that about 90 percent of U.S. parents spank their children. In addition, a 1992 survey reported that 59 percent of pediatricians support the practice ("When Spankings Are Abuse"). It is important to recognize that in our society most parents and many of our infant and child care authorities, do not classify spanking as hitting or physical punishment. By a magnificent denial of reality, it is often described as a "love tap" or "pat' or "harmless swat" or "loving reminder". Since spanking has traditionally been administered in the United States to almost all children for generations, it is considered a natural part of growing up, the same as feeding.
Other more bizarre methods of corporal punishment, such as burning children with fire and other forms of heat, having them kneel on hard objects, or forcing them to stand for many hours, are less common than they once were, but they are still practiced today. We do not know the current extent of their use, nor do we know the current extent of other kinds of physical torture. Throughout civilization, until fairly recently, there have been various kinds of commercial items produced to punish children; including whips, the notorious cat of nine tails, cages, and various shackling devices (Beekman). Since these products are no longer openly advertised and sold, one would expect, or at least hope, that they are not used any more to punish children.
Twenty-seven of the states in the U.S. have banned corporal punishment in their schools. The twenty-three others (of which Florida and Alabama are included) continue to allow teachers to hit and paddle their students when they deem it necessary
Some researchers claim that every act of violence by an adult toward a child, no matter how brief or how mild, leaves an emotional scar that lasts a lifetime. To some extent we can demonstrate this from personal experience. Most of us must admit that the most vivid and most unpleasant childhood memories are those of being hurt by our parents.
- Mother and the switches (Byron and I)
- What was right then vs. now (dad's journal)
- I (hit) told (hit) you (hit) not (hit) to (hit) your (hit) brother/sister (hit) does this make any sense?
It's out of love or for their own good:
Myth: I am doing this because I love you and it's for your best good.
Truth: A good comparison to spanking is food poisoning. In the majority of cases, the victims of food poisoning recover with no apparent, lasting ill effects. But who needs it? The mere fact that a person is likely to survive is hardly proof that the experience is beneficial. Children threaten our identity, security, and reality. We harm them in order to stop our perceived threat that their behavior will harm us. It is a myth that we punish children for their own good. We punish children so that we will be secure. Our children have the power to elicit our tender and loving feelings. They also have the power to frighten, anger, and embarrass us.
Spanking in School:
Myth: Belief by teachers and administrators that it is okay to manage pupils by means of physical violence or the threat of it
Truth: Regional comparisons show that the highest proportion of corporal punishment in America occurs in states of the South and Southwest. Florida, Arkansas and Alabama have consistently been among the leaders in the frequency of hitting schoolchildren
If you knew that a school bus had bald tires and faulty brakes, you would not let your child ride that bus and you would demand that your school authorities correct the problem immediately. If you knew that the air ducts in your school were contaminated with asbestos, you'd remove your child immediately and alert other parents to the danger. Corporal punishment is no different. It is very dangerous and all sensible people in the community should unite in opposition to it.
The Religious Argument:
Myth: This argument is support of corporal punishment is built upon a few isolated quotes from the Book of Proverbs. i.e.: Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 22:15: Foolishness [is] bound in the heart of a child; [but] the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 29:15: The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.
Truth: Thomas E. Sagendorf, United Methodist Pastor, Toledo, Ohio said "Using the same kind of selective reading, one could just as easily cite the Bible as an authority for the practice of slavery, the rigid suppression of women, polygamy, incest and infanticide. It seems to me that the brutal and vindictive practice of corporal punishment cannot be reconciled with the major themes of the New Testament which teach love and forgiveness and a respect for the beauty and dignity of children, and which overwhelmingly reject violence and retribution as a means of solving human conflicts".
There a precedents in ancient and modern scriptures to support this as well: Matthew 18:6:But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and [that] he were drowned in the depth of the sea. D&C 121:19-22: Wo unto them; because they have offended my little ones they shall be severed from the ordinances of mine house. Their basket shall not be full, their houses and their barns shall perish, and they themselves shall be despised by those that flattered them. They shall not have right to the priesthood, nor their posterity after them from generation to generation. It had been better for them that a millstone had been hanged about their necks, and they drowned in the depth of the sea.
Then and now:
Myth: "I was spanked and punished and I turned out OK,"
Truth: This doesn't make the practice the correct choice in asserting my will on my children. I predict that in a future day my children will say: "I was never spanked and I turned out OK."
Our immediate family has chosen to break the spanking cycle.
Historically, spanking has been perceived as a legitimate and appropriate form of discipline. Its legitimacy in human relationships has few parallels in American life, especially since the abolition of slavery. Other than children, only convicted criminals are legally allowed to be punished. But children do not even have the rights of criminals, as they are allowed to be punished without a trial. The closest parallel to punishing children would be the punitive ways in which we domesticate and train young animals so that they will serve, submit to, and entertain us. When we punish our children, we serve to perpetuate the Western civilization belief that children are, like animals, inferior beings who need to be tamed, trained, and controlled. My children receive only love form my hands. My children have no fear of their father. My children trust in my judgement and care even in highly charged and emotionally potent times. When I have reached my limit with my children I get right with myself and my own feelings first BEFORE I interact with them.
What my parents thought was right isn't always the best course!
Myth: Because my parents did something, I should too.
- Seat belts
- Dad's journal entry
Truth: You are the parent now. It is your turn to raise children and you only get one shot at it!
Even the researchers in favor of spanking have admitted that noncorporal punishment methods of discipline have been shown to be effective with children of all ages, and that prevention of misbehavior should be stressed, that excessive spanking is one of many risk factors for poor outcomes in the lives of children, and that parents should never spank in anger. This may be an oxymoron, since studies of spankers and spankees indicate that some level of anger is almost always associated with spankings. Based on our belief in the value of corporal punishment we are, in fact, likely to encourage our children to use it on our grandchildren.
D&C 68:25
And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.
D&C 68: 26-28
For this shall be a law unto the inhabitants of Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized.
And their children shall be baptized for the remission of their sins when eight years old, and receive the laying on of the hands.
And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.
Moses 6:57
Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man, even Jesus Christ, a righteous Judge, who shall come in the meridian of time.
For any and all who have abused there is a path, designated by the Savior and administered by His servants. As leaders, we hold the sacred responsibility of administering the affairs of His Kingdom on the earth. We stand as protectors of His children. We must ensure that none are injured or abused and that the abuser is show the "error of his ways" and repents in "sackcloth and ashes". For those who are deeply ensnared by satan this is a lengthy and painful process involving much of counseling and therapy, personal reflection and prayer. These are not easy issues, and must we ignore the cries of the oppressed because it is "uncomfortable" or "embarrassing" or the "not him/her" syndrome. For you Bishops, use the gift of discernment with which you have been blessed to truly be a "judge in Israel", ask for help and counsel when you require it from the Lord, our Stake President, and the professionals in Salt Lake. For you Priesthood brethren minister to the flock, and tend to their needs, alerting your Bishops immediately in cases of need. As we all do this we will forever keep this evil rooted from our midst. While the judgements of our Heavenly Father will certainly fall upon the unrepentant abuser in the hereafter, we must call those whom we become aware of to repentance or cut them off from the body of the Saints if they will not reform themselves and their behaviors
HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN IN A POSITIVE MANNER
1/18/97 LDS Church News
If we remember that the purpose of disciplining our children is to educate them, communicate with them and prepare them to return to our Heavenly Father's presence, we will find it more likely that discipline will be a positive experience for everyone involved. I suggest the following:
- Model the behavior you want your children to follow. Teach correct principles.
- Like your children as well as love them. Do not make your love/acceptance conditional on your child's behavior.
- Do not provoke your children to anger. (Eph. 6:4.) Use persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness and love unfeigned. (See D&C 121:41.) Show forth increased love after disciplining your children. (See D&C 121:43.)
- Be consistent in your approach to discipline. Be firm, yet kind and merciful.
- Pray fervently and often for enlightenment and inspiration on how to deal with vexing behavior problems.
- Always take time to listen to a child's side of an issue before deciding how to proceed. Judge as you would want to be judged. Do not overreact. Do not sweat the small stuff. Make sure any punishment is appropriate for the action.
- Stay in control of your emotions. Utilize time-outs, etc., and avoid disciplining, if possible, when tired or out of sorts. Do not be afraid to admit you are wrong if you do overreact or lose your cool.
- Always keep in mind the dignity and worth of the child being disciplined. Do not threaten or intimidate. Don't call him/her names. Avoid embarrassing children, especially in front of their friends.
- Reason with your children according to their age, ability and understanding. Make your children allies in matters of discipline. - Romney Burke, West Linn, Ore.
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What we did:
Set example
Our Sunday School class of 16- and 17-year-olds enjoyed a lively discussion on this theme. We were interested in the way the Lord disciplines us and noticed that in the scriptures He uses a variety of methods depending on our ability to hear Him. We came up with the following ideas:
- Set an example. Parents should be willing to live the standards they expect from their children. If, for example, everybody is watching too much TV and a limit is set for children, then parents should be subject to the limit, too. This applies to other behaviors, such as smoking, swearing and cheating.
- Find other ways to discipline children besides spanking. Nurture a relationship of "love-love," not one of "love-fear." In other words, children can learn to do what is right because they love their parents and do not want to hurt them, rather than "doing the right thing" because they are afraid of their parents. Creating an atmosphere of trust helps this kind of love-love relationship develop.
For us, when we know our parents trust us, we want to be worthy of that trust because we love our parents. - Santa Rosa 1st Ward, Santa Rosa California Stake
Teach children
Always remember that the goal of discipline is to teach children how to direct and control their own behavior. It is my experience that loving, serious discipline should begin when the child is about 18 months. Adults and children are much happier when reasonable standards are set and kindly, but firmly, enforced by the adults.
Make sure the children know you mean what you say and are to be obeyed the first time you say something. Letting a misbehavior continue, responding with repeated threats, then becoming angry is confusing to a child and frustrating to the adult.
Children tend to repeat behavior that brings a desired reward. A child who is allowed to run freely in halls when he or she fusses in Church quickly learns to fuss. A child taken to an empty classroom and gently but firmly held learns that it is more interesting to stay in Church.
Praise good behavior. However, never present one child as an example for another child to emulate; such comments build resentment and can be very divisive. - LaJean P. Carruth, Louisville, Ken.
Learning experience
First, acknowledge that all of us make mistakes. Look at discipline as a learning experience for both the child and yourself; pray together about the problem.
Second, involve the child in the discipline process by asking three questions:
- What happened? (Identify the problem.)
- Is that helping all of us? (Make a value judgment.)
- What should we do about it? (Allow the child to suggest the solution; caution, the child's solution might be much harsher than yours would be.)
This process allows the child to help solve and carry out the solution to the problem. Using these steps relieves the adult from being the accuser, judge and disciplinarian. At the same time, the child learns and practices valuable problem-solving skills.
In addition, forgiving the child helps him/her understand the process of repentance. - Reta R. Hall, St. George, Utah
Choices, results
As a single college student, I did an educational internship at a behavior unit at a children's hospital. Little did I know the powerful lessons that I would learn that would influence my parenting for the next 21 years. The way I knew whether some method was right was by how closely it coincided with the way our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ deal with us.
Throughout the scriptures and modern revelation, the Lord tells us if we choose to obey His commandments we will find happiness, but if we choose to not obey, unhappiness will result. Then He lets us decide and reap the consequences. It is the same with our children. We let them know what the choices and consequences are before the crisis occurs. At the behavior unit, a "power" chair was always provided in a corner for a misbehaving child. One minute for each year of age was sufficient for the child to regain self-control.
The focus was always on the act, not the person. Therefore, never make sweeping statements like "bad boy" or "good girl."
In our married student branch, a high councilor once said that the consistent effort you make to get up off the couch and follow through with your children now at a young age will save years of effort later. - Kaye Horman Babcock, Salt Lake City, Utah
The need to teach
When I asked my 4-year-old son why he wrote all over the pages of a new book, he said, "I didn't know better."
Children don't know how to meet our expectations, so instead of punishing we need to teach. When they do something other than what we wish they would, we should lovingly tell them, "We don't do that. Instead, we do this." - Annette Avery, California, Md.
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How to checklist:
1. Pray for guidance; deal with children as the Lord would.
2. Be an example; be willing to live the same standards you expect from your children
3. Be consistent; teach consequences, then forgive.
4. Maintain control, don't overreact; separate act from worth of child; be loving.
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For information
Write Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument, Route 1, Box 100, Ajo, AZ 85321-9626, or call (520) 387-6849.
